I’ve got some bad news

Remember that I said I was going to hang out with some friends last night? Well, I did. It was a party in one of my friend’s house. I thought I’d be ok for the whole day but I wasn’t ok. I was a mess.

I cut on the shower before I go to the party. Then when I got there, so many things happened and I got so confused. First, I saw how much me and my friends don’t fit in. We’re not popular, we’re geeks. So we talked about that over and over again. Then my best friend saw one of those little cuts on my legs and she asked me if my dog had done it. I answered “I don’t even know, cause he’s always scratching me but I guess it was Fred” (Fred is my dog btw). And then, a little after that, one of my closest friends said he had already cut himself. And that it made him feel alive. 

Then I just couldn’t stay in that party. I wanted to go home, to lock myself in my room and to cut in several different places. I just wanted to bleed. I was feeling so fat, so ugly, so geek, so unwanted, that I needed to go home. But I didn’t cause vodka showed up. So I drank. It was the best thing I could have ever done. I drank and then I called my mom and she went to pick me up. When I got home, I was kinda drunk so I didn’t cut myself. I guess this was a good thing.

So, to add that, I’ve been feeling like shit. I’m feeling fat, I’m feeling useless, I’m all depressed. I don’t know what to do. I’d love to sit and cry for the rest of the day, but I can’t. Plus, I can’t cry right now. I just can’t. The tears won’t come to my eyes. I’m all messed up and I can’t cry. And I can’t cut cause I’m going out with my geek friends today. Well, I just don’t know what to do.

And I just hope I won’t cut today.