On the other day, I was telling my friend how thin he was

He had a little lapse of anorexia and didn’t wanna eat, but now he’s so much better. So I just told him “You’re too thin! You should gain a little weight”.

This other guy that was with us, he was the friend of my friend’s uncle said “No, you should not gain weight. You’re fine just like that”.

I didn’t agree with that. The boy is seriously too thin. So I said “I still think you’re too thin”.

And he replied with a smile saying “Thank God, right?”.

I don’t think I can explain the tone he used, but it was like he was saying “thank God I’m thin and not fat like you are”. I know he thinks I’m fat, I’ve seen it in his eyes. He doesn’t think I’m pretty. And when I make jokes about my weight, while my other friends feel bad about it and tell me to shut up, he laughs. Like he really thinks it’s funny that I am this fat. Like he’s better than me just by being thin.

It just hit me today. And I’m sick, so crying will just make things worse. I didn’t feel like eating this morning, but then I had such a big lunch and such a big dinner. I have a sore throat and this makes even harder to purge. I couldn’t do it in normal situations, I obviously can’t do it now.

And while I was in class today, I imagined myself cutting. I imagined all the blood coming from two huge cuts in both of my wrists. I imagined it dropping. And I just wanted to cry.

Why am I so self destructive? I can’t put up with myself.

I’ve killed myself in my mind a thousand times

I just can’t take the next step: doing it for real. 

When my mom saw one of my cuts a long time ago

Today I was just fine

I exercised, I took a good shower and I even thought about cutting, but then I said “no, I’m not gonna do that. I don’t need that”, so I didn’t do it.

I left the shower and then I climbed on my bathroom scale, thinking I had lost some weight. I didn’t. I actually gained some. 

Then, I broke down.

So I cut. I don’t know if I ever told you guys this, but I’ve never cut myself with a razor, just with any sharp object. I know that if I actually cut with a razor, I won’t control myself, it’ll go too deep and I’ll get too close to death. So I don’t want it.

While I was there, crying, there was just one thing that I could think of: that the only thing I really wanted all my life was to be thin. And I’m not. It feels like I never will be.

So I didn’t really have dinner. I had a banana and some bread. And I will NOT eat anything for the rest of the night, not even if I have to fill my stomach with water. I’ll do it.

All I want is to get thin. Is that so hard? It wasn’t supposed to be. 

I just wanna love someone

It could be a guy or a girl, I don’t really care about the gender. I wanna love someone with all my heart. Why can’t I do that? It was supposed to be easy. 

My heart is a stone and it’s all my fault.

I’ve been feeling like shit

I was out of town. I was partying, but still I couldn’t stop thinking about how fat I was. And I drank to forget about it, but those thoughts kept haunting me. And I wanted to cut everyday when I was gone. I even took my blade with me, but I didn’t do anything. I just felt like shit. I felt like a fat piece of useless trash. And I keep on feeling like that. It seems like I’m going to feel like that forever. And I hate it.

I did it again

I worked out today, I did a lot of great stuff that would have made myself happy, but I wasn’t happy. So I cut. Again. I was clean for 4 days and now I’m back on zero.

I got a little dizzy at first, but didn’t stop doing it. But, still, I’m doing just little cuts. Today I cut again in the same place I did before, in one of my legs. So I guess people won’t see if I keep cutting in the same spots, right? And specially if they’re small spots. Anyway, I hope tomorrow’s a better day.

So, I’ve cut myself. Again.

After almost 8 months of struggle, almost 8 months clean, I did what I thought I’d never do again: I made two little cuts in each of my legs. I made them little so no one will see them. And I wanna do it again, I wanna cut again tonight. 

This is gonna sound extremely sick, but I enjoyed it. I cried when I started cutting, cause I thought I’d go back to that dark place I was, but after that I was smiling. It gave me the feeling that I was missing and I know that it doesn’t matter how many times I try to get out of this, I’ll always be a little scared and self-harmer girl. I’m fucked up. It feels like it’s what I’m supposed to be. And it really scares me that I feel this way cause I don’t know what I might do when only little cuts won’t be enough.